


Losing You

by sanctuary_for_all



Series: City Mouse and Country Mouse [1]
Category: NCIS: New Orleans
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Episode Fix-it, F/M, Feels, First Kiss, I am so furious at this show, Show Fix-it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 20:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14027826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanctuary_for_all/pseuds/sanctuary_for_all
Summary: “People always say you should fall in love with your best friend, but what no one ever mentions is that it’s scary as hell.”LaSalle finally faces up to his fears, just in the nick of time. (Spoilers for up to 4X17, though this is set about a week later.)





	Losing You

**Author's Note:**

> I know for a fact this isn’t what’s going to happen, but as I’m leaving the show right along with Percy's actress this is absolutely what’s going to happen in my head. (If anyone’s interested, there’s a few more chapters to this I could write that brings in some other team members. But as I don’t know if anyone’s still even reading this ship, I’m mostly just posting this for me.)

It had taken months, but Sonja had finally decided - it was time to move on from New Orleans. She'd call Isler in the morning to make sure the job offer was still good, and if it wasn't she'd start looking elsewhere. Once she was sure where she was going, she'd figure out the best way to tell everyone else. They'd be sad, she knew, but they'd get along fine without her. Hell, Pride might even be a little relieved.

She definitely wasn’t sad, and she quickly distracted herself from anything that might _seem_ like sadness by looking through her things and deciding what she actually wanted to bother moving. She’d somehow gathered a surprising amount of stuff in the last few years, and was seriously contemplating just leaving it all here and starting over brand-new when someone pounded on the front door of the apartment.

She went still, waiting, and the person pounded again. But there was no shouting, and definitely no one kicking the door in, so Sonja decided she probably didn’t need to be armed to answer it. It was probably just Gregorio, who was out on a date with a fire-eater she'd met the week before, ready to beg Sonja to make herself scarce for a few hours so she and her new lady-friend could have the apartment to themselves.

Amused despite the inconvenience, Sonja was smirking when she opened the door. “You know you’re gonna owe me for….” The words trailed off, disappearing along with the smirk when she realized it wasn’t Gregorio standing on the other side of the door. It was LaSalle, jaw set and ready to fight.

The minute their eyes met, he focused on her with that same intensity he always got when he wasn’t about to let go of something. “You’re leaving the team, aren’t you?”

She was too shocked to come up with a coherent response, let alone the lie she would have preferred. Not even Gregorio had connected her persistent brooding to the possibility that she might end up heading out of town.

LaSalle had always seen her too damn clearly.

Suddenly angry for reasons she absolutely didn’t want to analyze, she just stepped back and opened the door wider to let him in. He stalked past, turning around inside the apartment to glare at her some more. “I’m right, aren’t I?” he demanded. “You’ve been thinking about it for _months_ , pulling away from all of us so we couldn’t stop you, and today was the day you officially made your decision.”

Sonja folded her arms across her chest, doing everything she could to focus on the anger instead of the ache slowly spreading through her chest. “Ten points for Gryffindor,” she said flatly. “How’d you figure it out?”

For a second, he just stared at her. Then his shoulders dropped, radiating defeat so suddenly that it drained away the anger she’d been building. “I saw it on your face,” he said quietly, eyes sliding away from hers to stare at the far corner of the room. “The whole damn time, even when I tried to pretend I didn’t know what I was seeing. It was like watching the worst movie in the world.”

The ache inside her sharpened to the point of pain. “I wasn’t lying when I said it wasn’t you, LaSalle,” she said finally, not sure if she was trying to offer comfort or just slicing apart the tie between them once and for all. “This is what I do. I spend a few years someplace, and then I move on and do something else. It’s just time.”

The fact that he was the first person in years she’d considered staying for had nothing to do with anything. It was easier this way, for a lot of reasons. Less messy for both of them.

LaSalle flinched a little at the words, gaze still focused on that spot in the corner. “And there’s nothing anyone can say that would make you change your mind?”

She took a deep breath. “No.” Not a lie, technically, even though it felt like one in her mouth. The reason LaSalle was so upset was because he wanted to keep the team together, which meant there was no chance he’d say anything that could stop her from leaving. He’d made his choice, and now it was time to make hers.

He closed his eyes, jaw tight enough that it had to hurt, and this time she couldn't pretend the ridiculous urge that rose up was anything but the desire to comfort him. “It’s okay, though,” she tried, taking a step towards him without realizing she’d moved. “Really. I was always going to be the biggest risk to team unity, just because of who I am. You guys’ll be stronger with whoever you get to replace me.”

He flinched even harder at that, like she’d physically slapped him, and opened his eyes to look upward. “I could not have fucked this up more if I’d _tried_ ,” he muttered, then turned to look at her with that same intensity back on his face. “It wasn’t ever about keeping the team together. It was about me being a chickenshit.”

Sonja froze. “What?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure my dad would have used the term coward.” The words were heavy enough with self-derision to make his expression twist. “Would you prefer that one instead?”

She wondered why it was suddenly so hard to breathe. “If this… if you were trying to avoid telling me you’d changed your mind, you don’t have to—”

His incredulous look cut her off. “I didn’t _change my mind_. I was scared.” He let out a breath, everything else melting away until he just looked lost and sad. “When Savannah was killed, it felt like someone had cut a hole in me. For awhile it hurt to even breathe, until I had to kind of box it all away like it had happened to someone else.”

Sonja swallowed. As far as she knew, he’d never talked about that time with anyone except maybe Pride. Their partnership had been too new back then for her to even think about pushing, and it would have been beyond cruel for her to try and dig it up later.

She’d never once imagined meaning that much to someone. Slowly, her heart started to pound.

LaSalle, thankfully, was still too caught up in his memories to notice. “Even when I stopped tomcatting around, nothing else really ever got close to digging into me that deep. Hell, I decided that was probably a good thing.” The self-recrimination slipped back in. “I was so damn careful not to look too hard at whatever it was we were doing. All I knew was that I wanted to be closer, and all I let myself think about was whatever the next inch was.”

No one had ever been half so good at sneaking up on her as LaSalle was. The warning bells hadn’t even gone off until she’d had her arms wrapped around him, and even when she’d tried to run she’d ended up getting pulled right back in. He’d become essential so quickly she hadn’t even thought about trying to fight it until it was too damn late.

“Then you went to jail, and it finally hit me just how much trouble I’d gotten myself into,” he continued, voice rough with emotion. “Losing you wouldn’t just dig a hole in me – it’d break me in half.” When her heart stopped, he let out a breath. “Hell, even you leaving felt like it’d be enough to do it. So I panicked.” He winced at the memory of it. “People always say you should fall in love with your best friend, but what no one ever mentions is that it’s scary as hell.”

Sonja felt dizzy. Love? Had he just implied that he was in love with her?

His jaw tightened. “And so I said what I said, and ended up kind of losing you anyway.” He closed his eyes again. “Which I deserved. But you were still there, and I could still see you most days, and so I told myself it was enough. I’m no good at relationships, and I knew if we’d started dating I probably would have screwed it up anyway. It was better to have some of you than none of you.” He stopped, his expression pure pain. “And now I’m gonna lose that, too.”

Sonja knew this was where she should say something, anything, but she must have still been in shock because all her brain seemed capable of was white noise. Her eyes stung, so much emotion crowding in her chest she couldn’t have forced any of it out even if she’d still had the ability to form words.

When he opened his eyes again, he squared his shoulders and faced her head-on. “I’d give damn near anything to be able to go back in time and tell you all this when I should have.” His expression was grimmer now, like someone about to face a firing squad. “But I can’t let you leave town thinking I told you the truth, when it might have been the worst damn lie I ever said.”

Then, after a heartbeat, he moved past her and headed for the door again. She stared at him, incredulous, as all the emotion inside her suddenly burst out at once. “You _asshole_.” He stopped short, turning around to give her a confused look as if he had no _idea_ what he’d just done, and for a second she genuinely wasn’t sure whether she wanted to kiss him or punch him in the stomach. “I had _decided_. I was so sure about my decision I even had a damn _schedule_.” She stalked forward, practically shaking with everything she was feeling. “I was even trying to figure out what stuff I was going to get rid of. _Nothing_ was going to stop me.”

“You already said that.” Some of his old anger was sneaking back. “And as soon as you _let me leave_ , you can get right back to it.”

“Really?” She threw her hands in the air. “The _one_ person on the entire _planet_ capable of getting me to stay _anywhere_ strides in here, tells me he fucked up because he’s terrified of losing me, implies pretty damn strongly that he’s in love with me, and you expect me to be able to just walk away after that? Were you _dropped on your head_ as a child?”

His face transformed with every word, the angry pain gradually replaced by a slowly dawning hope that made her throat close up. “If I try to kiss you right now,” he said finally, his own voice shaking a little. “What are the odds you’ll hit me for it?”

She swallowed. “I think you’ll just have to take that chance.”

They crossed the distance between them in an eyeblink, crashing together in the kiss. She pulled him down, suddenly resenting every single inch of difference in their heights, and didn’t even mind when he tightened his arms around her and lifted her enough that she was barely standing on her toes. It let them deepen the kiss even more, heat and emotion crashing through them both like waves of the ocean. It let her wrap her arms around his neck, fingers tunneling through his hair as she held on for dear life.

When they broke apart, he set her back on her feet and curled around her enough to bury his face in her hair. “If you still have to go, let me come with you,” he breathed. “It’ll take me a little while to find a job, but—”

She squeezed her eyes shut, feeling tears threaten as she pressed her face against his neck. “Shut up,” she said thickly. “If you keep saying crazy shit like that, I’ll start ugly crying and then I’ll be really mad at you.” She tightened her arms around him. “I told you, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Good.” He held onto her just as hard. “And I’m in love with you, for the record. I don’t want to just imply it.”

“Shhh.” Her throat closed up again, eyelashes already suspiciously damp. “I was serious about being mad at you.”

When he pressed his lips against her hair, she could hear the smile in his voice. “Shutting up now.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come check out my [original fiction,](https://jennifferwardell.wixsite.com/mybooks) my [blog,](http://jennifferwardell.blogspot.com) or say hi to me on [Tumblr](http://sanctuaryforalluniverses.tumblr.com)!


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